Whore to the Core

Listen! I am all for using fashion as a form of expression.  If you are little on the neurotic side, you probably enjoy the more form-fitting and precise-cuts of J-Crew and Banana Republic.  If you are a bit more punk-rock, I assume that you may go for studded belts and the color black.  If you are a bit more of a pixie (like me), I assume you have lace, ribbons and a lot of free-flowing shit in your closet.  That’s fuckin’ fine.  However, when you use your clothing as a mechanism to show to everyone that you are, in fact, a fucking whore, please refrain from existing.  There are ways to be a slam-pig without me having to see your areola.  Trust me, I know.  My sister Bunny, a make-up artist for Laura Mercier Cosmetics for 7+ years, has always had a rule about intense make-up.  She always preaches to focus on one aspect of your face.  Either your eyes or your lips.  If you are planning on wearing a blood-red lip, don’t plan on doing a smoky eye and visa versa!  It’s either one or the other, no exceptions! There is a similar thing to be said about a woman’s body.  I understand the need to show-off some of what God and your mother gave you, but I always live by this rule.  Either show-off your breasts or your gams.  Both of these parts are very powerful and should not be over-exposed. 

Okay, so let’s say you follow my rule…now what?  Well, if you decide to show off your giant mammory glands under your chest skin, make sure your brassiere is not peeping out of any side. I have been guilty of it myself, but sometimes you really cannot do anything about said peepings. Also, if you decide to go bra-less, invest in a pair of nipple-stickies.  Your headlights are unimpressive and they look like sausages on some women. Please, for the love of Moses, do not go bra-less if you know you have pancake-tit or breasts that are creeping down to your belly button.  You don’t look good, I promise.  A good bra goes a long way, especially if it is the right size.  It is hard to say what really is the appropriate amount of cleavage because all women have very different.  If you are wearing a low-cut shirt and say to yourself, “I look like a whore…” then you look like a whore.  If you are happy with the fact that you are a whore, you probably will not follow this rule, but if you are unhappy with being a whore, then pay a-fucking-tention! If you think it looks too slutty, it probably is too slutty for YOU.  It may not look the same way on someone else, but for YOU, it makes you looks like you want to be penetrated hard.  Just like with alcohol, know your limits!

Okay, onto the legs.  First of all, if I have to tell you to shave them, then you are way behind on the times and should probably go buy a razor now.  When your legs are properly moisturized, they should glow!  Also, if you are showing off them gams, I assume you know to wear heels because they will make your legs look longer, even if you are a stumpy, little, tree elf.  Always be aware that your labia majora and minora are not showing.  I always advise wearing underwear, but if you absolutely cannot, then MIND YOUR GAP! If your Britney could talk, it would tell me that is has seen a lot of penises…meaning, you look like a fucking whore!  I am trying to help you.  If this is too harsh and you are getting offended, you are probably a whore.

There has always been a fine line between sexy and trashy, especially now a’days.  One day silk is luxurious and the next day it is the devil’s fabric.  If your gut is telling you that you look like trash, then trash it.  Be happy with what you wear.  If you want to be a trollop, do it behind doors.  The mystery of your sex life is more intriguing than having your cootgina on display.

Champagne Taste On A Beer Budget

Seeking The Stellar is all about seeking out the most stellar pieces for your wardrobe.  When department store prices make you want to smack your mama and call her a "bitch", that means you are probably on a budget and eat a lot of Ramen Noodles.  If you are reading this blog, however, it is likely that you would be damned before you would walk out into the world looking like a steaming pile of shit with corn in it.  I do allow, and believe, that no matter who you are, a few investment pieces are necessary to a stellanarious wardrobe. You would be a lucky lady, (or lucky homo) if you have ever stumbled upon said investment piece(s) via sales/clearance and charmed if you found them at a thrift store for a steal.  I seem to have a knack (or just patience) for finding little treasures hidden amongst the massive amounts of crap that has been produced by the asshole of the fashion industry and I will keep digging through all the mighty dung until I have have to prostitute myself to my future husband for his credit card. You can look put-together no matter what your budget is. It does not matter what size, shape, height or race you are.  It does not matter if you think you are a skinny skeleton, a whorish pin-up, a tit monster, a booty bouncin' video ho, or a beached whale, designers make clothes to flatter your size. 

There are some steps one must take to look presentable to the world that do not involve what fashions are on the body. Like personal hygiene. If you smell like a vagina, no one is going to care what you look like.  You have an odor, fix that first. When you bathe yourself, shave your armpits and legs.  This is North America, Ladies, if you are trying to attract either sex, they are not going to notice your personality before they notice that they can braid your armpit hair. Twat-shaving: optional.  If your eyebrow(s) look(s) like it is going to crawl off your face and form a cocoon in the corner of your room then buy a pair of tweezers or go to a local spa and risk having the ladies make fun of your grouch-brow in Mandarin.  If the hair on top of your head looks unhealthy, unruly and is reminiscent of someone who escaped the looney bin, accept that it is time to get a wash-cut-dry at your salon of choice.  Shampoo and conditioner is not very expensive either so utilize it. Hair plays a huge part in looking your best, but your skin is possibly the most important feature to take care of.  Your epidermis is an organ, and the biggest organ of your body no less.  I mean, if a doctor told me I had cystic acne or boils on my lungs, liver, heart, etc...I would immediately get rid of them as fast as possible.  Skin problems usually require a dermatologist which can be pricey and should be worried about before building a killer wardrobe.  Always wear SPF, even if you wear nothing else.  For more skin and make-up tips, visit my sister Bunny's cosmetics blog: www.makemeprettypleasee.blogspot.com. 

Remember, you may not always have money to shop, but if you spend enough time sifting through all of the cheap, granny-looking shit, you just might find the outfit you are going to wear out to bar on Friday night.  The outfit will pay for itself when you get drinks paid for you.  And that is what life is all about.  Free Drinks.