The Illegal Amount of Denim Happening This Season Should Go To Jail

Uhhhmmm...I don't know if y'all know this but if you wear denim anywhere but your bottom half, you're a fucking loser. I mean, denim jeans (especially dark-wash skinny jeans this season) will never really go out of style.  Since the gold rush in California in 1849 (or something historically more accurate), Levi Strauss made it so that we can wear durable pants that are made of inexpensive fabric (cotton) and we love him for it.  Many different brands have made beautiful designs for our beloved jeans and we love them for it.  Even denim skirts have created a feminine, cute way to sport the neutral and casual nature of this wonder material.  However, I feel I have the right the throw up all over you if you wear too much denim.  This is not the 90s, why are you backtracking to an ugly trend?

                                                  "I'm a Slave 4 Denim" 

                                                                                 "Cry me a river..."

This picture was taken when Britney Bitch and J. Timbs were still fondling each other and telling people they were virgins...that is how outdated denim outfits are.  I am sorry, September issue of Vogue, I believe Canadian Tuxedos are back...*cough cough* sorry, back-tracking.  Anna Wintour, are you muthafuckin' serious?  Do you not remember how uggles people looked in these?  What are you gunna try and bring back/barf out next---acid wash? I have seen traces of it around and I am warning you, if I see some slampig up in da club with an acid wash vest on, I will, by pure choice, spill a drink on her as hard as I can.  And it will have sharp ice in it. Maybe I will even try to break the glass on her too.  Sorry.

This says, "My parents are hillbillies."

"My parents are hillbillies"

Do you catch my drift? She also has a camel toe in this picture which means these were not real denim...but that stretchy shit that gets swallowed by her pubeless gunch. "Can't be Tamed?" more like, "Can't be Not Heinous." "Party in the USA"...more like, "Party in the Trailer Park."

Seriously though, I love great denims as much as the next stupid cunt, but there really is no need to wear more than jeans or a skirt.  A denim hat?  Are you on the show Blossom? A denim button-up blouse? Are you my mom in 1999? A jean vest?  Are you a rah-tard?  

Peace, Love and I should be drunker...

It's Fall and You Already Look Stupid...

Fall is a time to feel cozy in your clothes, but that does not mean that you should give up looking fierce.  Autumn is when the darker neutrals come out to play like blacks, browns and grays (my favorite!), but their are fashion molesters living in this world who abuse neutrals to a point where I want to run home and cry to my mommy.  I understand that there are people who really do not understand how to mix and match and that is okay, but you have to learn someday.  If I cannot help you, ask a friend who you think can really help you.  There is no excuse.  You are a grown woman/man/homo.

Let us address the horrible mistake of pairing black and brown together.  Honestly, what are you thinking? The pigments are contrasting and make you look like a damn fool.  The worst example I can think of is black leggings with chocolate Ugg Boots. *Grinding my teeth* It is just so awful! Now, I know Uggs are ugly boots, but I must say they are such heaven to wear on your feet. Really, I adore them, shamelessly. 

Black is a very severe pigment, while brown is meant to be warm and softening.  When you wear both of these, it is just like pairing polka dots with stripes.  You are mixing two different ideas and trying to look good while doing it.  You have failed.  Black and brown together is so unfortunate, ESPECIALLY when someone takes a dark brown that is almost black and then actually PAIRS it with something black. AAAHHHH! It's so ugly!  Do not ever ask yourself, or anyone for that matter, if "these chocolate boots go with my black skinny jeans" because they mother-fucking do not.  

Even though Fall colors are never as bright as Spring and Summer clothes, that does not mean that color should be erased out of said wardrobe.  The worst thing that one can do is just wear black, brown and gray together with absolutely no colors.  If you must wear all of these neutrals for some insane and disgusting reason, buy a fucking necklace or hat that has a color.  It does not have to be bright pink or metallic either.  A muted olive green or pumpkin spice color will do just fine.  There really is no reason to look shabby and sad when the weather gets colder.  Celebrate Earth tones and dark gem tones.

A written example of a great Fall outfit according to wonderful me would be this: Dark-wash skinny jeans paired with leather cognac riding boots (preferably by Frye) with an olive green (or any rich color), long-sleeved layering V-neck made from jersey cotton under a medium-gray cable-knit, button up sweater.  An optional choice would be to add a creme-colored scarf or knit hat.  It is simple, flattering and comfortable without sacrificing how damn cute you are.  

I mean, pick up a goddman fashion magazine for God's sake.  Do not force us well-dressed people to look at your lack of color mixing.  It makes you look ugly.  Oh, did I just hurt your feelings?  Well, good.  Learn from it.

Camel Toes, Visible Panty Lines and Other Crotchial-Region No-Nos

Exhibit A: The Toe.

Leggings made their re-entry into the fashion world around 2005-2006 and their lucrative colors and insanely low prices made them the favorite bottom cover-up since denim jeans, but what are they really covering up? DO YOU FUCKING SEE THE LABIAL CREASE IN EXHIBIT A? If you do not, then you are the person guilty of sporting this look most likely.  I am going to say this and I shall only say this once---Though leggings serve the same purpose as actual pants, they are not fucking pants.  Pants are constructed in such a way that the fabric is not being swallowed by your vulva.  Leggings are closer to the tights family.  Wear leggings where you would wear tights.  If you absolutely must utilize leggings as a form of pants, make sure the shirt you are wearing covers your hungry minge. Plus, your kitty is a lot happier if it is not on the verge of getting a yeast infection from your tight-ass, moist, polyester pant loins.  There is a time and place for a sweet uterus display, but unless you are Lady Gaga or caught up on an 80s aerobics class, do not ever let me see that damn cooter of yours on a day-to-day basis and don't you fucking dare call it fashion.  Frontal wedgies are never welcome and look painful. No person, male or female, is interested in the curves and folds of your pelvic hallway.

                                                               Exhibit B: The Umwhatthefuck.
                                                           

I mean this is an extreme example of visible panty line. Not only is she wearing panties that are way too tight for her size, but she also decided that this was okay to show in public places.  Her legs look like gummy worms because of this and I reserve the right to rip this apart.  How much do you want to bet that she had the reddest indents on her thighs? It had to have hurt like a bitch to peel those heinous Hanes off of her sticky thighs.  Why let yourself be a victim to this tomfoolery? Budget or not, you do not have to suffer the curse of visible panty lines.  There are lingerie lines that specialize in making underwear and bras that are virtually seamless under your other garments.  The brand Hanky Panky go for $18 bucks per panty at leading department stores, which is super pricey, but the colors go out of season and they go directly to the clearance racks at these stores and become a fraction of the price.  There are also imitations of Hanky Panky underwear at Target, Walmart, TJMaxx and Marshalls that are, again, way cheaper. They are made out of a very thin lace and come in boyshorts and regular bikini styles.  They are very breathable and stretchy.  

Exhibit C: The best damn pair of poon-protectors on the planet.

I love Hanky Panky underwear because they are the perfect underwear.  They are made well and will last as long as you require them to last if you take care of them.  I choose to hand-wash my Hanky Panky underwear for many reasons.  First of all, if I am buying $18 undies, I want them to last and I will treat them like gold.  These babies come in many different colors and they never leave VPL which is fantastical.  This brand also makes matching bras and bralettes if you so choose to match.  These underwear are comfortable and you can barely feel that they are on your body. This is not a "no-no" for the record. It's a "yes-yes."

Exhibit D: The Trashiest Thing Ever!

Why? I mean...why though? Like...we get it, you floss your asshole.  Congratulations.  If you read my last blog, you know that I just cannot deal with the absolute need for girls/ retarded women to dress like street-walkers in the hopes that they look sexy.  Exhibit D is an example of the trashiest fashion trend that has ever graced our eyeballs. How DARE this exist in this world! HOW DARE IT!!!!!  If this happens to you or your friends, please refrain.  Just fucking stop.  You're not cool, you do not look hip, it's unsexy and people think you are trash.  It is not stylish and it is not even relatively comfortable. And to the woman in this picture---Sexy? Yeah, no. Plastic rhinestones that spell out the word "SEXY" is actually quite the opposite.  

So, in conclusion, mind your mid-region, for there is a lot of jiggle and folding happening and they should be properly decorated and not abused.  If anybody thinks that exhibits A, B and D look okay, go swallow a knife because you must look like shit on a regular basis.  That's the God-awful truth and you have inflicted it upon yourself.  So cover-up that fredgie, dig out that wedgie and floss out your butt veggies, because this is the last time I'ma tell you that you need to alter that shit, mmmkkk?

Whore to the Core

Listen! I am all for using fashion as a form of expression.  If you are little on the neurotic side, you probably enjoy the more form-fitting and precise-cuts of J-Crew and Banana Republic.  If you are a bit more punk-rock, I assume that you may go for studded belts and the color black.  If you are a bit more of a pixie (like me), I assume you have lace, ribbons and a lot of free-flowing shit in your closet.  That’s fuckin’ fine.  However, when you use your clothing as a mechanism to show to everyone that you are, in fact, a fucking whore, please refrain from existing.  There are ways to be a slam-pig without me having to see your areola.  Trust me, I know.  My sister Bunny, a make-up artist for Laura Mercier Cosmetics for 7+ years, has always had a rule about intense make-up.  She always preaches to focus on one aspect of your face.  Either your eyes or your lips.  If you are planning on wearing a blood-red lip, don’t plan on doing a smoky eye and visa versa!  It’s either one or the other, no exceptions! There is a similar thing to be said about a woman’s body.  I understand the need to show-off some of what God and your mother gave you, but I always live by this rule.  Either show-off your breasts or your gams.  Both of these parts are very powerful and should not be over-exposed. 

Okay, so let’s say you follow my rule…now what?  Well, if you decide to show off your giant mammory glands under your chest skin, make sure your brassiere is not peeping out of any side. I have been guilty of it myself, but sometimes you really cannot do anything about said peepings. Also, if you decide to go bra-less, invest in a pair of nipple-stickies.  Your headlights are unimpressive and they look like sausages on some women. Please, for the love of Moses, do not go bra-less if you know you have pancake-tit or breasts that are creeping down to your belly button.  You don’t look good, I promise.  A good bra goes a long way, especially if it is the right size.  It is hard to say what really is the appropriate amount of cleavage because all women have very different.  If you are wearing a low-cut shirt and say to yourself, “I look like a whore…” then you look like a whore.  If you are happy with the fact that you are a whore, you probably will not follow this rule, but if you are unhappy with being a whore, then pay a-fucking-tention! If you think it looks too slutty, it probably is too slutty for YOU.  It may not look the same way on someone else, but for YOU, it makes you looks like you want to be penetrated hard.  Just like with alcohol, know your limits!

Okay, onto the legs.  First of all, if I have to tell you to shave them, then you are way behind on the times and should probably go buy a razor now.  When your legs are properly moisturized, they should glow!  Also, if you are showing off them gams, I assume you know to wear heels because they will make your legs look longer, even if you are a stumpy, little, tree elf.  Always be aware that your labia majora and minora are not showing.  I always advise wearing underwear, but if you absolutely cannot, then MIND YOUR GAP! If your Britney could talk, it would tell me that is has seen a lot of penises…meaning, you look like a fucking whore!  I am trying to help you.  If this is too harsh and you are getting offended, you are probably a whore.

There has always been a fine line between sexy and trashy, especially now a’days.  One day silk is luxurious and the next day it is the devil’s fabric.  If your gut is telling you that you look like trash, then trash it.  Be happy with what you wear.  If you want to be a trollop, do it behind doors.  The mystery of your sex life is more intriguing than having your cootgina on display.

Champagne Taste On A Beer Budget

Seeking The Stellar is all about seeking out the most stellar pieces for your wardrobe.  When department store prices make you want to smack your mama and call her a "bitch", that means you are probably on a budget and eat a lot of Ramen Noodles.  If you are reading this blog, however, it is likely that you would be damned before you would walk out into the world looking like a steaming pile of shit with corn in it.  I do allow, and believe, that no matter who you are, a few investment pieces are necessary to a stellanarious wardrobe. You would be a lucky lady, (or lucky homo) if you have ever stumbled upon said investment piece(s) via sales/clearance and charmed if you found them at a thrift store for a steal.  I seem to have a knack (or just patience) for finding little treasures hidden amongst the massive amounts of crap that has been produced by the asshole of the fashion industry and I will keep digging through all the mighty dung until I have have to prostitute myself to my future husband for his credit card. You can look put-together no matter what your budget is. It does not matter what size, shape, height or race you are.  It does not matter if you think you are a skinny skeleton, a whorish pin-up, a tit monster, a booty bouncin' video ho, or a beached whale, designers make clothes to flatter your size. 

There are some steps one must take to look presentable to the world that do not involve what fashions are on the body. Like personal hygiene. If you smell like a vagina, no one is going to care what you look like.  You have an odor, fix that first. When you bathe yourself, shave your armpits and legs.  This is North America, Ladies, if you are trying to attract either sex, they are not going to notice your personality before they notice that they can braid your armpit hair. Twat-shaving: optional.  If your eyebrow(s) look(s) like it is going to crawl off your face and form a cocoon in the corner of your room then buy a pair of tweezers or go to a local spa and risk having the ladies make fun of your grouch-brow in Mandarin.  If the hair on top of your head looks unhealthy, unruly and is reminiscent of someone who escaped the looney bin, accept that it is time to get a wash-cut-dry at your salon of choice.  Shampoo and conditioner is not very expensive either so utilize it. Hair plays a huge part in looking your best, but your skin is possibly the most important feature to take care of.  Your epidermis is an organ, and the biggest organ of your body no less.  I mean, if a doctor told me I had cystic acne or boils on my lungs, liver, heart, etc...I would immediately get rid of them as fast as possible.  Skin problems usually require a dermatologist which can be pricey and should be worried about before building a killer wardrobe.  Always wear SPF, even if you wear nothing else.  For more skin and make-up tips, visit my sister Bunny's cosmetics blog: www.makemeprettypleasee.blogspot.com. 

Remember, you may not always have money to shop, but if you spend enough time sifting through all of the cheap, granny-looking shit, you just might find the outfit you are going to wear out to bar on Friday night.  The outfit will pay for itself when you get drinks paid for you.  And that is what life is all about.  Free Drinks.